SAIWAI

This is a topic that is extremely difficult to talk about, publish about, confront in the media or in any way that will cause a trigger.

A few years ago, I wrote an article that was looked at by a publisher to be turned into a book. It was about children who self-harm, and why they do it. I was very excited about getting this topic it’s day in the sun so that I could help the parents of these children to understand why, and to let the children themselves know that they are not alone, nor are they broken or crazy.

Once the topic was brought before a board, to be pitched, it was shut down like a communicable disease. The liability risks the company would face if they published this book would by far outweigh the benefit it would have on those who needed it, in their opinion. They ran fast and far and would not touch me with a barge pole since.

I discovered that the topic is kept under wraps as it serves as a trigger for those who participate in the act of Self-Harm. How could I in good conscience pursue the topic if this was the case. Having said that though, I still feel very strongly about educating the relatives and friends of these children and individuals, so that they will understand and support them without prejudice regardless of whether they understand it or not, and to provide a support platform for those who genuinely are looking for a path to recovery from this dis-ease.

This taboo topic is still seen as ‘CRAZY’.

It is Imperative that these individuals are understood and that a support system is developed, that will encourage them to look forward to life, and not trigger them to continue the behaviour that at the end of the day breaks their hearts more than it helps them deal.

Self-Harm does not discriminate. People of all ages, races, religions, sexual orientations etc are afflicted by this. The youngest in my experience was 9 years old, the oldest is 42.

It is said by almost every person who ‘Cuts’, that it relieves pressure or that it helps them feel because they are emotionally incapable of doing so. This is true in many cases, but when we delve deeper into the underlying reason why this act relieves these symptoms, to the root cause of the dis-ease, majority of the time they do it to punish themselves. It is a behaviour that they have been taught by the people who have the most influence on them. This could be family members, peers at school or even online influencers.

The behaviour is often expressed when they’ve experienced disappointment or made a mistake.
They have been taught that they don’t deserve the things they want, and that mistakes are to be punished. In many cases these people experience physical abuse as well as psychological.
It is never about how intense the abuse is, but how the person has learnt to treat themselves as a product of this abuse.

The seed of “I don’t deserve”, or “I am not enough” has been planted and will grow into a monster that will turn this person into the biggest abuser of all, and instead of their support system being there to help them unlearn this Self-Punishment, they turn inward and on themselves, and they hide it from the world out of shame, which then instils more of the same behaviour, and so it continues.

For a parent with a child that has learnt self-punishment as a source of comfort, it is advisable to take a moment to reflect introspectively and end the cycle by asking yourself why my child believes they deserve to be punished. Why is my child afraid, why does he/she believe that no matter what comes their way, it will never be as bad as what they can do to themselves?
Whose behaviour are they imitating, and how can this behaviour be changed into love and reinforcement.

There is no future in the past, so focussing on blame is in no way resolutive to this issue. The only way is to simply glimpse momentarily into the past to understand and recognise where the behaviour sprung from and move forward from there. It may not be abuse, it may be a mimicked behaviour from someone who they look up to. Children are sponges and will learn by watching, more than by being taught. If our children are watching us be unkind to ourselves, this is also a huge contributing factor to learnt behaviour. It will manifest and in some cases be magnified to where the child’s perception of watching her mother or father be mean to themselves about something quite benign, can grow into an uncontrollable problem.

Another reason is the pressure at school. Our children are all trying to establish themselves there. In some personalities dominance is primal. In others, however, this behaviour is not in their nature, and the dominant behaviour will overshadow that of a sensitive person, who perhaps comes from a family where his/her role models have low self-esteem. There are so many factors, therefore it is crucial that we don’t get fixated on our own blame. What is important is that we recognise our child is punishing him/herself, and that we need to help them unlearn this behaviour.

Unconditional love is the strongest way to start the process of self-healing. It is unconditional love for ourselves first, and in that way we teach them unconditional love for themselves.
Secondly, reiterate regularly that we all deserve to be loved and we all deserve to be happy.
We may not feel so at first, but the more we practice anything, the better we get at it.

As an adult, unlearning a dis-eased behaviour is not easy. It is however the only way we can help ourselves.
There are some of us who don’t have a support system to rely on. We may be in the foster system; our parents may have abandoned us, or we may have been removed from toxic environments. These circumstances instil a sense of homelessness. “I don’t belong anywhere, I don’t belong to anyone, no-one wants me therefore no-one loves me”. Living a lifetime of these emotions, becomes an embedded behaviour that has the power to change your DNA.

If you are the person who punishes yourself, the same applies. Look introspectively at yourself, at every time you’ve hurt yourself, and recognise the emotion. Not the relief of the pressure, or the physical identification of what should be emotional pain, think of the reason why you believe you need to be punished.

Self-loathing is the most toxic of dis-ease. There is no one who can cure it but YOU.
It is a good start to find something that you treat well. Your phone, your car, your colleague, a friend at school, it can be anything that you care for.
The first step to Healing Yourself, is to look at how you treat these items or people.
Think of one phrase you’ve said to yourself on any given day and ask yourself if you would say that to anyone else. If the answer is no, then you stop saying it to yourself. You deserve the same respect you give to the clerk at the grocery store, at the very least.

Think of one act of cruelty you’ve bestowed upon yourself on any given day and ask yourself if you would do the same to your car, phone, laptop etc. If the answer is no, then you stop doing it to yourself. Surely you deserve the same respect you give these inanimate objects, at the Very Least.

The words “I AM” are the most powerful words in the known universe.

Your healing takes place one step at a time. The first being:

“I AM WORTHY OF LOVE”

Ten thousand hours of practice will turn anyone into an expert in anything, so start with that.

Till next time, Let’s keep Self-Healing…